Lethal Injection

Round 2 tomorrow (Monday). I have been asked several times whether I feel better about going into this treatment, as opposed to how I felt the first time. I would have to say no. Now it's fear of the known, whereas last time it was fear of the unknown. I feel like I'm on death row, awaiting execution by lethal injection. In fact, I'll be executed 12 times in 6 months. I even plan out my last meal. At least I receive my injection in a comfy chair.
Emily turned 5 yesterday. She was so excited about this birthday. Turning 5 was such a big deal to her. Yesterday morning, she told us she feels 5 in her heart. She got some interesting presents. Aunt Jenny even bought her a Barbie dog that poops. It appears that the dog has a healthier colon than me- feed him kibble and he poops quite regularly.
I will write again tomorrow to let you know how it goes. My mom is still here so she is taking me. The recycle guy (I think his name was Charlie) will not be there, he only comes 1xmonth.
Talk soon,
Michele;

Feeling great!

Just wanted to say I feel great this week! I did have to go back and get more iv's Monday, Dr. Lilly said I looked like a potato chip, I was dried out. It was a very busy day in the chemo room. There was an old guy there, he talked to me for 3 hours. I guess you could say he was environmentally conscious- he recycled the same stories over and over. Then when I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep, he turned to the guy on the other side and started all over again.
So anyway, I'm enjoying how good I feel this week.
Talk later,
Michele; (I will sign off with a semi-colon, since that's what I have now, a semi-colon)

I'm OK

Whew! I feel much better. Turns out I had PMS- I wasn't depressed after all, haha. Once again, my family dropped everything and raced over here to make sure I was ok. I'm still weak but I'm trying to eat, well they are practically force feeding me, but my mood is better. I got a visit from Di A. Ria, she's so rude, she came a' knockin' at 5:30 this morning, woke me right up!
So now I know what to expect, Day 5 & 6 were the hardest for me. I was in bed for 2 days. The girls tried to cheer me up. Emily crawled in bed with me and we sang the old HeeHaw song, Gloom, despair, agony on me...This brought some much needed laughter.
So, anyway, my sister Donna said I better send an update, letting everyone know I'm ok. She's my oldest sister, always has been the one to boss me around, haha; she's the food police too, she keeps telling me to eat, I know none of you out there reading this have ever been bossed by Donna, haha.
I also wanted to mention- My friend Pam A. called me the other day, happy to report she found a great bumper sticker for me. It said "I'm only speeding because I need to poop!" We got a good laugh over that one. Thanks, Pam for calling that one in.
Thanks for the prayers!!!
Michele

Major Setback

Yesterday morning, I woke up and realized fatigue had set in. Even though it was tough, I was able to work through it. This morning was a different story. I was so incredibly weak, I could barely walk. I stepped on the scale and was horrified to realize I had lost 6lb since Monday. I crawled back in bed and realized depression had also set in. I felt like I had fallen into a deep hole. I have never in my life felt this before. It was the darkest despair. I called Scott and he rushed home. He called the hospital and within 20 min I was in the chemo room, hooked up to iv's. Thank God for Southeast Hospital. We walked right in, Dr. Lilly rushed in, knelt down beside me and told me he was going to help me get through this. So, now I'm going to take several medicines to help with anxiety, depression and appetite. I feel very hopeless right now. I don't think I have the strength to get through this. I told Scott I'm only doing this for the girls, b/c I know they need a mother.
I can't say anymore, I am a complete mess right now.
Please pray.
Michele

Manhole covers and recliners

Let me start by saying I have been really lucky so far that the chemo has not greatly affected me. So, please don't think I have forgotten to count my blessings. Having said that, I can now tell you it has been a not-so-good day for me- and it's only noon.
I have been so emotional today. I went to work and hit a 1-2 on the tear scale between each home visit. While sitting in one house, my stomach is telling me the dreaded gastro side effect is coming. I panic and leave, but so far it hasn't hit. Anyway, I had to go to OptionCare to get Percy unhooked. I pull up in the parking lot and immediately hit a 7. Even though I wanted to completely sever the relationship between Port Chop and Percy, I was also scared. After 10 minutes, I realize I am going to have to go in. So I walk in and of course, I get the stares b/c a 7 on the scale is enough to qualify for Oprah's "ugly cry".
Let me stop right here and tell you something. After spending time in the chemo room at Southeast, and the procedure room at OptionCare, I have discovered a new Theory of Pain, never before discovered. I could qualify for a Nobel prize for this one. Here it is- If a nurse takes you in a room and there is a nice, luxurious, cozy, leather recliner- RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. You are about to be tortured beyond belief...
So, it's time to remove the giant needle. Did I tell you it has a manhole cover over it? Have you ever tried to remove a manhole cover??? It ain't easy. Lots of tugging and pulling. I thought for a minute, maybe this nurse is STANDING on the manhole cover trying to remove it. That's what you call "chair through the wall" moment, when you are pushing so hard against the nice, cozy recliner, you are sure it's going through the wall.
So anyway, I am home now. I wish I could nap but the medicine juices me up. Did I mention the name of this drug. Please don't think this is a joke, or that I'm being obscene but it's called "5FU". Go figure...
Michele

Numbing cream(no) Bigger Needle(yes)

So far, so good! I have had the most minimal side effects so far. Everything went well, with one exception. My nurse said Numbing cream? Nah, you don't need that...
Port Chop is still medium rare (raw, red and tender) so it was painful to have the special needle inserted. Unfortunately, my incision lies right on top of point of entry, so the first stick didn't work. The nurse yells Hey I need a bigger needle over here! I almost came unglued. So then she had to put in the bigger needle, there was a lot of pushing, poking and prodding. Blood was spurting out. I almost passed out. The nurse seemed a little surprised that the incision lies over the point of entry, but at least next time they will be prepared, and Port Chop will be medium well done.
Chemo on weekends is not going to happen, for a variety of reasons. I'll try to explain. While I'm at Southeast, I get a cocktail of 3 drugs for 2 hours. Then I use a pump from OptionCare that will deliver 1 of the meds for 46 more hours. Don't take offense if you are reading this and you work for OptionCare. I'm not bashing them. But they don't do weekends, unless there is a problem. They weren't real accomodating. I'm not too disappointed anyway. Who wants to spend their weekends hooked up? It would be better to do it while the girls are in school and I can rest better. Speaking of hooked up, this thing is heavy. It doesn't work well as a fanny pack. Right now, I am wearing it like a purse across my neck. Hence, we have chosen the name Percy. Percy wouldn't do well at church anyway b/c he is noisy. Every 2 minutes he reminds me he's still there by making a clicking/whirring noise.
About the side effects: So far I feel fine. Remember when I said I couldn't drink cold beverages. Well, our tap water is too cold. I took a drink when I came home and realized a cactus had sprouted in my throat! Ouch! So then I tried a handful of cashews and I was immediately taken back to the 80's when pop rocks were the rage. My jaw was full of pop rocks! Later, with chemo not on my mind, I find myself fixing a bowl of shredded wheat and milk. Then I thought OMG, I can't eat this! Shredded wheat and cold milk- I might as well swallow knives in the circus!
Thanks for listening!
Keep in touch!
Michele

Amazing "Port Chop"

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have been somewhat emotional today. I was fighting a 1-2 on the tear scale at church this morning. Really, did they have to pick Amazing Grace as the opening hymn, when they must know that I always sang that to my girls? Yesterday I went to a baby shower and today I went to a bridal shower. I found myself longing for those fun, carefree days when life was exciting and new.
"Port Chop" is giving me no trouble. So far, he is very well-behaved. He seems to be enjoying his new home in my artery. My friend Shawna said he will continue to burrow himself in, until eventually he won't look so much like a big bump. My sister's friend, Kim, came up with the perfect name. It incorporates my insane desire for pork, along with all the chopping my surgeon has done. By the way, I forgot to mention just how much I ate at the fair. We went with our friends, Danny and Becky. The hospital had called and said I couldn't eat past 7:00. We got to the fair at 6:20. The countdown was on! I ate a pork steak sandwich (no surprise), fried tators, a lemon shakeup and a funnel cake, in record time!
Scott and I had a good laugh this weekend. For years, we have always joked that we drive vehicles until the wheels fall off. I bought a new Honda Civic about 3 months ago. Saturday I heard on the news there was a recall on my car b/c the wheels could fall off!
Gotta go. Still have things to do. I did manage to clean out my closet this weekend. I have to stay busy.
Michele

Name That Port

The surgery went well today. Other than having to wait FOREVER, it was easy. I went to sleep telling stories and woke up cracking jokes. I have no pain right now, just a little arm soreness. I asked if it were possible to place the port on my right side. I drive so much at work, I was afraid the seatbelt would be a killer. They usually do them on the nondominant side but they agreed maybe the right would be better, so that's what they did. I was naive enough to think I could hide the surgery from Emily. Didn't work. When she got home from school, I showed her the bandage, explained that I went to the doctor and now I have a booboo. She leans in close to me, wrinkles her little nose and says YOU SMELL LIKE THE HOSPITAL!!! MOMMY, YOU WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, DIDN'T YOU!!! That's a sensory kid for ya', she doesn't miss a thing! So again I thought I could brush it off with "The hospital? Are you sure?", so she says very seriously "Mommy, SMELL YOURSELF."
Ok, I plan on naming all of these devices I will be hooked up to. So right now I'm trying to generate a name for the port. Maybe a famous port? Any suggestions?
I have been told some of you are having trouble posting comments. Remember, click on the word "comment" (NOT the envelope), then type inside the box that pops up, then choose the anonymous option. Just don't forget to sign your name in the box.
Thanks for the prayers, I really am pain-free!
Love,
Michele

There's nothing normal about this...

We continue to try to adjust to our "new normal". That's what cancer patients call their new life. Some days are better than others. Scott deals with things differently than I do because a) he is a man and b)because he is the spouse, not the patient. The kids are doing great though. They are slowly getting their minds on other things. For example, Megan told me tonight, and this is a quote, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, "Mom, I think I have a pretty good idea what your reproductive organs look like". This stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't even utter a "why", of course that wasn't necessary b/c she was more than happy to tell me. She said "I bet they are old and dusty and full of cobwebs and spiders b/c you haven't had a baby in so long". How could I respond to that!
Emily spends her days talking about animals. Today her preschool went to the fair. She came home off the bus with an imaginary pig she got at the fair. She was carrying it on an imaginary leash. It was a boy and it was pink. I gushed over him, oh he's so cute and well-behaved, etc. She walked it around for a long time. About this time, I noticed she had snuck some toys to school in her pocket, which is against the rules. So I reprimanded her. She said Mom, why are you mad about taking the toys to school but you don't mind me bringing home a pig. Again, how do I respond...
Anyway, about me. I feel great! I continue to have weird changes in my food likes and dislikes. You probably know, I'm not a big meat eater but I can't stop craving pulled pork. I eat it whenever I can. It's crazy! And of course, I think about bread all the time. I drove by Rhodes last week and I swear the sign said "Now Hiring Croissants". I drove back by and they had changed it to "hiring overnights". I'm sure this isn't related to the fuzzy thoughts I've been having...
Ok, direct your prayers this way: I will have minimal pain with the surgery, chemo will go well and the exterminator will come and rid my organs of spiders...just kidding.
Talk later,
Michele

Warm fuzzy thoughts

One more week until chemo. I am trying to get some things done but it's overwhelming. I am compiling a list of things I know I will need to have handy (like lots of warm clothes). I am really worried about being cold since I am already cold-natured. And as luck would have it, Emily's birthday falls on my first weekend chemo treatment (Sept 29). So I need her presents bought, etc. When you're 5, being sick is no excuse for not getting presents. Thank goodness for online shopping. I am frustrated at my continued fuzziness in the brain. I don't know if it's stress, worry or what, but I still don't feel right in the head. I can't keep things straight, I say strange things sometimes or my thoughts just trail off into neverland. When I see someone I know, it takes a few seconds to register who it is and then I have to ask myself "do they know about the cancer". I think I have a foolproof way of deciding whether someone knows about the cancer. If "how are you" includes a pat on the arm, then they know. If I don't get the pat, they're clueless. I asked Dr. Lilly if the cancer could have gone to the brain, he said that would be highly unlikely, to which I thought "this whole experience is highly unlikely". Anyway, I guess I am telling you that if you see me out or I appear rude, please excuse my behavior.
Scott found my New Year's Resolutions this weekend. The list included: Lose weight, Eat Better, and Scrapbook more. Well, having my colon ripped out has resulted in weight loss and eating better and I have been scrapbooking while recovering from surgery. So there you go, for the first time in my life, I achieved my resolutions. Be careful what you wish for!
By the way, there's a seminar at the Osage center about surgical weight loss, I think I'm going to show up and tell them how I lost weight surgically. Who needs the Lapband system when you can get the "Crapband".
Keep in touch.
Michele

TGIF

I survived my first week back at work and boy, am I tired! As you know, I work on the road. After getting tailgated twice today, I have decided I need a bumper sticker that says "Don't Tailgate Me. I have colon cancer and I've had enough people on my rear already!".

The general consensus has been that I should go to the fair. If anyone happens to be at the pet parade Sunday, look for us. We are taking Rain in full costume. If you've never been to the pet parade, it's really a cute little show. It starts at 1:00. Rain will be showcasing himself as the "World's Smartest Dog", complete with cap, gown and diploma.

Scott has been so full of compliments since all this started. This morning, he told me I'm more reliable than a Chevy. Apparently, one of his work trucks went in the shop the same day I had surgery and here I am working and the truck is still in the shop!

OK, everyone have a great weekend and maybe I'll see you at the fair! I'll be lurking around near the food!

Love,
Michele
P.S. Don't forget to sign your comments!!! I can't always distinguish your unique sense of humor!haha

GOOD NEWS!!!

PET SCANS WERE CLEAR!!!
Dr. Lilly said I had the most boring PET scans, no voracious tumors that he can melt away; I'm not kidding, that's what he said.
So here's the plan: The port surgery will be Sept 14th, chemo starts on the 17th.
As most of you know, the fair is next week. We had made plans to go to the fair concert on the 13th. There seems to be something inherently wrong with going to the fair the night before a surgery, no matter how minor the procedure. It seems somewhat "redneckish" as in "Bubba, load em up, I'm goin' to the fair 'fore they cut me open!" And then of course, when that guy in surgery asks what I had to eat, I'll have to say pulled pork, cheesecake on a stick, fried taters...By the way, I do have my appetite back, can you tell.
Scott says he is the luckiest man alive. Now his wife will have an anchor AND a port.
Thanks for all the prayers, they must be working- I went back to work this week and I feel great!!!
Love,
Michele

Almost Like a Song

Hello. I will start by saying thanks for all the prayers. I had a realization last week just how far my story has reached. I went to the dentist. This is something that has to be done before chemo starts, to make sure you don't have mouth rot or something of the sort. So, I had to tell the dental hygienist my story. I had never met her before. As she starts cleaning my teeth, she says "I think I have been praying for you." She had heard my story from a friend!
Physically, I am feeling good. I am going back to work this week, for a few hours a day. Emotionally, I am up and down. I can hit a 1 or 2 on the cry scale, without warning. Picture this, I am cutting up a watermelon (another food I can't live without these days), Ronnie Milsap is on tv singing "It was almost like a song" and I hit a 1. Go figure.
Every time I see a doctor, nurse, etc there are 3 questions I always get asked. Do you smoke, do you drink, are you diabetic. I always say no, no, no. This week, Dr. Lilly asked me again. Scott said jokingly, I could never get her to drink. Dr. Lilly actually said I would do better with chemo if I was a heavy drinker!!! He said his alcoholic patients have less nausea and vomiting with chemo!!! Unfortunately, I think it's too late to start, so don't anyone be bringing over any Jack Daniels, haha.
By the way, scroll down to the bottom of this screen, there is a colossal size pic of Scott and me in Vegas. And I was drinking!!!
Keep in touch.
Michele