I did NOT...

I do NOT suspect Megan is faking illness to get out of school. She would NEVER do that. Not my daughter. She did not talk cheerfully on the phone to me and then when I asked how she was feeling, her voice did NOT suddenly deteriorate. She did NOT send me a text that said "Can I have chocolate. It might make my chest feel better".

I did NOT sneak over to Kohls today to see the clearance racks. Upon seeing a cute sweater on clearance for $4, I did not buy 1 in every color- gray, black, brown, green, purple and blue.

Never in a million years would I bribe Emily with french fries. Especially when we had an important meeting at the bank. She did NOT sit on the floor of the bank office, eating fries and suckers. She did NOT take the sucker stick and announce in a sultry voice, "I'm smoking". That would be way too embarrassing.

I did NOT win this plastic goat from my friend Stephanie Saturday night. That would never happen b/c who would buy a plastic goat for a party favor?And who would announce that all the party favors were new except one, and that one was an item she no longer wanted. NOT my friend Stephanie!

Please tell me what you have NOT done lately, just so I'll feel better!

I did NOT...

This is NOT my 2nd "did not" post in less than a week...there are never that many crazy things that happen to me...
Megan did NOT tell me she needed a new notebook for school and when I said we have lots of those nickel notebooks from Walmart, she did NOT tell me that her pencils would not write in those cheap notebooks, that the words would not show up on the paper and the whole notebook would literally fall apart within days b/c it did not have a fancy cover on it. My daughter is NOT that spoiled.
I did NOT sit at a stoplight this afternoon and watch a man put his SUV in park and then smack the heck out of his kids in the backseat. I am glad I've never done that!
I did NOT find an awesome salvage grocery store yesterday in Marble Hill. My heart did NOT skip a beat when I spied the bargains.
And finally, today when I went to work, I went in a home and said to the Dad of the house, Hey, were you home when your neighbors house burned. He did NOT say to me with a mouth full of chewing tobacco, Heck yeah I was home, I was poopin' when it happened!

I did NOT...

Since these things would never happen to me, I do not mind sharing them...
This week, a kid did NOT try to beat me up and then when she realized she was in trouble, she did NOT try to turn the next wallop into a High-Five. No, Pam's daughter would NEVER do that. She's way too sweet...
Tonight at Healthpoint Rehab, Emily did NOT propose to a male therapist she had just met. I'm talking about an all-out marriage proposal. I know my daughter would NEVER do that. That would be very embarrassing. I'm glad she would NEVER tell a man she was searching for a husband b/c she wants to have lots of babies. Earlier this week, Emily did NOT tell me she has a boyfriend in kindergarten. When she told me his name, I did NOT admit that he does belong on the cover of Child GQ. I did NOT tell her I approved of their eventual marriage b/c his mother is a speech therapist.
As a matter of fact, these tales are so outlandish, I will let you take a turn and tell me what you have NOT done lately.

I did NOT...

Thank you for all the kind words after last night's post. As I said, it's been quite a week and I have quietly muttered under my breath at least hundred times "I did NOT" just say that, see that, think that or do that.
Do any of you have a LeapFrog Word Whammer? The toy that lets you put 3 letters in and then it pronounces the word for you? This week, at work, I did NOT sit and giggle with my friend/mom of a speech kid as we tried to figure out if this toy would pronounce naughty words! NO, I DID NOT do this!!! We did NOT discover that there must be a chip installed that does not allow the frog to say naughty words! I'm serious!!! He won't say them!
I am NOT going to shriek if I hear the phrase "in this bad economy" one more time. I am NOT tired of everyone in the media trying to make their point by using that phrase.
I did NOT complain about how far away I had to park and walk to get to the gym tonight. The GYM for Pete's Sake! Ok, it wasn't me getting the workout, it was Emily taking swim lessons but geesh, do you SEE the irony in that???
I did NOT get my house cleaned and my car detailed today by someone other than myself. I am NOT spoiled rotten, no, not me.
And here's something I would never do- I did NOT walk up to my friend Kellie H today at a meeting and say "Hi, I'm Michele". She did NOT look at me like I was crazy. I did NOT put my hands on her face and say "Kellie, is that you?" I'm sure she did NOT want to backhand me.
And finally, I did NOT leave the Word Whammer totally speechless this week when I realized I forgot to turn in a very big kindergarten project. The Word Whammer was NOT unable to pronounce all the words that left my mouth.

What did YOU not do this week?

I did NOT...

This week, when I answered the nightly question, "what's for supper", Emily did not yell "Chili dogs suck!". She did NOT run to her room in fear b/c she knew she was in trouble. She did NOT then procede to yell "You do not do a good job of taking care of me!" My children would never be that disrespectful.
I did NOT yell at my daughter over homework tonight. I would NEVER throw a math book in the floor b/c I was so frustrated. No way would I do that. And you will NEVER catch me going to my room and slamming the door.
I did NOT get into a fight with a 2 yr old today over crayons. I did NOT become upset b/c she kept taking my crayons. And I certainly did NOT tell her I didn't want to color with her anymore b/c she was taking my crayons from me.
I did NOT gasp in horror when I read my sister Linda's blog tonight. You will NOT catch yourself wondering how she keeps her sanity.
I did NOT call the Surgery Center and question why I can't have liquids after midnight, if my surgery isn't until noon. I was NOT told "sorry, that's the rule". I did NOT ask if I could get up at 5 am and have a little coffee. And I am most certainly NOT going to work in the morning before my surgery.
I did NOT feel a little (tiny) twinge of sadness at saying goodbye to this little bump in my chest that I have had for 18 months. I am NOT feeling a little panicky at losing my "security blanket".

What have you NOT done lately?

I did NOT...

I did NOT promise a blog about Greta Garmin. She is NOT my best friend in the world right now...nah, it would be ridiculous to be best friends with a computer-generated Aussie that tells me what to do every day. But I am NOT going to break the promise to talk about her, for a dose of "Not Me Wednesday".
I did NOT walk in a home today, say hello to the 2 yr old and get greeted with "Kick Ass!" No, that would never happen...I am NOT wondering if she really needs speech therapy...This is NOT the same child who told me awhile back "My butt stinks".
I am NOT off to a bad start with my blog giveaway. I have NOT forgotten to mail Katie's gift card...Katie, I am NOT very sorry!!! I did NOT forget to mention that Kara and Linda were the winners of the "guess the movie quote", that was NOT like a hundred days ago that I posted that blog.
I am NOT going to mention Cash Cab on my blog again, even though I know you are NOT already sick of hearing how much I do NOT like that show. As a matter of fact, I am NOT watching it right now. It does NOT air for 2 hours every afternoon. Seriously, how cool would it NOT be to get in that cab and see those lights start flashing. I would NOT take that 2 yr old with me so she could greet Ben Bailey...

I did NOT...

I am NOT having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I am NOT moving to Australia.
It was NOT 6 degrees outside today. I did NOT warm up by getting raked over the coals at work today by an angry mom.
I do NOT hate Perrla beads. I did NOT promise to play with them this evening with my daughter. I do NOT get a weird vestibular reaction when I try to place the tiny beads on the even tinier little stakes.
The ketchup bottle did NOT fart all over my daughter and her clothes and the table and the floor. It did NOT look like a grisly murder scene. I did NOT spill water everywhere, requiring an entire clothing change.
I did NOT skip 2 doses of Lexapro b/c I'm been so happy and didn't think I needed them. I have NOT made this mistake before. I have NOT been a crabby mother this weekend.
I am NOT in desperate need of encouragement right now.
I am NOT in tears 3 days before Christmas. This is NOT happening.

I did NOT...

We are NOT discussing "hot docs" on the Colon Club this week. I did NOT post a pic of my hot doc. http://www.sfmc.net/display/DocDetail.nws?phyid=322
Kelly was NOT the winner with the hottest doc
http://im1.shutterfly.com/media/47b8cc29b3127ccec5852234747400000040O08IZMmbJoxcg9vPgI/cC/f%3D0/ps%3D50/r%3D0/rx%3D550/ry%3D400/

I did NOT go to work today and watch a toddler come out of the bedroom chewing on his mother's thong. I am NOT going to leave you with that image.

I did NOT...

It is NOT 9:30 in the morning and I did NOT leave work and come home and rewash my hair. I am NOT having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad hair day. I have not already changed clothes twice today. I am NOT eating cold pasta salad for a late breakfast, as I type. I am NOT working in Fredericktown today and it will NOT take an act of God to get me back in town for a very important meeting at 3:00 today. I will NOT speed, no, not me. I would never do that.
I have NOT been a bad wife this week. I have NOT blamed my husband for everything this week, including this morning when I did NOT oversleep and it was NOT his fault. No, it was NOT his fault, I would NEVER blame him for that. I did NOT get so mad at him and did NOT call him a negative name under my breath for watching the Weather Channel for hours on end. No, I wouldn't do that, b/c my husband does NOT watch the Weather Channel for hours on end.
This cold pasta salad is NOT the best tasting dish ever produced out of a box and I did NOT tell Scott last night he couldn't eat it. And finally, I did NOT tell Emily the orange pieces in the salad were cheese, not carrots, NO I would NEVER lie to my children.
Oh, and I did NOT have a NIGHTMARE last night that my coffeepot was broken and I was unable to drink my morning coffee.
What have you NOT done lately?

I did NOT...

Aunt Flo did NOT leave her luggage on my doorstep this month. I did NOT send my 3 sisters an email that caused a ruckus and my husband did NOT ask if I was on drugs when I wrote it. I did NOT forget to show up at my friends house today and I did NOT say a bad word when she texted me, asking me where I was. I did NOT go to the office and find out that after working there 2 years and 3 months, I have been incorrectly following procedure and no one ever told me.
Today, I did NOT eat like there's no tomorrow b/c let's face it, when it comes to eating, there really IS NO TOMORROW when you are having a colonoscopy in 2 days.
What have you NOT done lately?
Michele

Addendum to I did NOT...

My 10 yr old daughter did NOT just utter the following words: "I need chocolate. I am depressed."
She did NOT tell me she is the only girl in the 4th grade not attending the Sarah Palin rally. She did NOT tell me she is the only girl in the 4th grade not allowed to go to the Haunted Hall of Horrors. My daughter has NOT entered the "I'm the only one who doesn't get to" stage. And when I told her there were no more tickets for the Sarah Palin rally, she did NOT tell me "Mom, I'm too old for that trick". I am NOT freaking out about what these preteen years are going to be like.

I did NOT...

I did NOT just fix stovetop popcorn for the first time in my life and the girls and I did NOT get excited when it starting popping. I did NOT overestimate how much popcorn to put in the pot and it did NOT start popping all over the floor. We did NOT laugh b/c it was NOT funny.
I did NOT spend $30 on Halloween candy only to discover I still don't have enough for treat sacks. And I did NOT eat any of it while filling those sacks.
Last night I did NOT tell Emily I would spank her hiney if she didn't eat. No, I am a feeding therapist and I would NEVER say that. Not me.
Last week I did NOT stand in front of my car in the parking lot and panic b/c I couldn't find my car. That would be ridiculous.
This morning I did NOT tell a 4 yr old that when I am in his house, he does not run the show. No, that would be way too unprofessional.
I did NOT call my housecleaner today and tell her my house was too dirty to clean, and could she come another day. That would be way too embarrassing.
What did you NOT do lately?

Would you like a sheep on that sandwich...

Yesterday was NOT Monday and I did NOT start my day by checking a 2 year old's diaper and come out with a handful of poop. And since this did NOT happen, I did not shout to this child's mother OH MY GOSH, HE'S GOT POOP COMING OUT AND IT'S ALL OVER ME! No, that would be way too unprofessional. Today, Scott and I did NOT decide to buy a laptop in the midst of our country's economic crisis and we most certainly did NOT get into a fight in the middle of BestBuy over the cost of this laptop. I was NOT the one raising my voice. And I most certainly did NOT tell 2 store employees on 2 separate occasions that my husband has frugal buttocks. I did NOT leave him in the store to finish the purchase while I went to a training that, among other things, covered the topic "How to Make an Auditory Sandwich". I did NOT get up and go home when the speaker starting making sheep noises. No, I wouldn't do that b/c I do not spend the majority of my day making sheep noises either. I prefer pigs.
What did YOU not do this week?

I did NOT...

I did NOT slam on my brakes in the middle of the road this morning and pick up a turtle for Emily, since she has been begging for one. I did NOT empty a huge bucket of work toys in my trunk so this turtle would have a temporary home in my car. And trust me, there were NOT a lot of toys in that bucket. I did NOT drive around in my car all day with a very mad turtle trying to escape. This did NOT happen on a Thursday, which is my busiest day at work, where I rack up 200 miles between the hours of 7:30 and 3:00. This turtle did NOT poop 3 times and of course, this turtle did NOT hiss at me 3 times, b/c we all know turtles don't make noise.
I did NOT stop at McDonalds in Marble Hill and I most certainly did NOT order one of those greasy dollar chicken sandwiches so that I could eat on the road. And now my stomach does NOT feel sick from it. No, I feel great.
I did NOT have to put my car in park and sit 3 times b/c of construction on the road. And I most certainly did NOT do paperwork while I was waiting.
And now I am NOT going to go lay on the couch and parent in a supine position. That would be totally irresponsible.
Oh, and I did NOT fall down in the shower this morning. That would have really hurt.
What did you NOT do this week?
Michele
P.S. I am sending out a message to all of you out there who have faithfully read my blog but never commented. I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I just want to know who's reading these days. So talk to me!

I did NOT...

We're going to play a new game on this blog. I borrowed it from another blog I read. It goes like this:
Last night we went to the fair and I did NOT eat a pork steak sandwich, lemon shakeup, half of Emily's fries, half of Emily's hamburger and cheesecake on a stick. No, I would never eat that much fair food. This morning, I did NOT give my daughter a cup of coffee in an attempt to perk her up for swim practice. Today, I went to a yard sale and the lady was NOT selling laxatives and opened packaged of adult diapers, no, no one would do that, that would be insane. And for lunch today, I did NOT feed my children homemade fried cheese and chocolate crescent rolls, no I would never let them eat like that. And look on the sidebar- that is NOT another stray cat that needed a home. Scott would never let me bring home another animal. (Suzy and Paul, Scott said you would understand why he named this one Simone)
What have you NOT done lately? Leave me a comment.
Michele;