I can't think of a title for this one...

...so I'll just tell you what happened.

My profession requires I attend classes every year to keep up with my certification. I decided to attend one in St. Louis this week. I had registered just days before; when I asked on the phone if the course was full, the lady said "Oh, no, we have no limits! We register as many as we can!" The topic was Sensory Processing Disorder. This topic is not only helpful for my job, but I also happen to have a daughter with that diagnosis. I was looking forward to learning new information that might be useful.

When I walked in the room, 50% of the chairs were facing the back of the room. The hotel had put chairs on both sides of the tables, thus resulting in only half of the participants facing the speaker. Remember the "No limit" policy they mentioned? They weren't kidding. I was given a chair in the back corner of the room, with no table to sit at but I thought, at least I can see the speaker. When the speaker arrived, he said No worries, you won't need to see me at all today, there's no Powerpoint, there's no reason to look at me, we're just gonna read from the manual! That was my first clue that I picked a bad course. Clue #2 came when he said All questions have to be asked during the breaks.

I considered leaving but I knew that I wouldn't be able to count the hours, so I would be forced to attend yet another course. So I stayed. I played on my Blackberry, posted on Facebook, texted, whatever I could do to pass the time.

At lunch, I decided to eat in the hotel restaurant. I sat with 3 women I didn't know. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. One woman disagreed with every word that came out of my mouth. Another woman responded to each comment with something along the lines of "I"m breastfeeding" or "I need to pump", or "My breasts are really full". I mentioned that my daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder and the other woman waved me away with Oh, we all have sensory issues! When the meal ended and I said I needed a piece of chocolate, they all looked at me like I said I just crapped my pants.

So I found a hotel employee who informed me that the hotel did not have a gift shop but I could find chocolate in the laundry room.

Before lunch, the speaker had ranted on and on about how artificial and processed foods are destroying our children's minds. When I returned from lunch, the hotel had placed packages of artificially sweetened and overprocessed cookies on the tables for us to snack on. I would have raised my hand to comment on it, but remembered he told us Sorry, no questions or comments except at break time. So I ate the fake cookies and the laundry room chocolate.

The afternoon dragged on. I sat in bewilderment when he spent 15 min talking about the side effects of fluorescent bulbs in our schools. He suggested we ask the schools to replace the bulbs with floor lamps. He droned on and on about his research and his publications and his theories.

I finally walked out, 45 min early and shortly after he made a joke about someone being bipolar. If you know me, you know I find no humor in anyone being bipolar.

Of course, now that it's over, I'm glad I stayed. I got my 6 credit hours. I got a day off from work.

And had some squeaky clean chocolate.

Cheez-its Love Me...This I Know

As a mom/speech therapist, it's very important to me that my kids talk correctly. When they were little, I always listened carefully to their words and if they pronounced something incorrectly, I always provided a correct model for them. Neither of my girls could ever pronounce "crayon" and still today they say "crown" and it drives me crazy! We tried for months to teach Megan how to say "iron". She pronounced it "i-run". I tried not to be the speech Nazi but for goodness sake...if my kids couldn't talk, what kind of speech therapist was I?
When Megan was very small, there were 2 things (among many) that she really loved- Jesus and Cheez-its. Unfortunately, we were unable to discriminate between the 2 words. She could often be found standing at the pantry, asking for Jesus....please can I have a bowl of Jesus...I'm so hungry for Jesus. On Sundays, she would sing "Cheez-its Love Me, this I know" and she often professed to having Cheez-its in her heart.
Last night Scott and I did something we don't normally do. I started an argument and we fought in front of the kids. I was very angry about something and I really let loose. Luckily, it was brief and when it was over, Emily came into the office and asked me if I needed a hug. She leaned in and said "Mommy, I know why you and Daddy were fighting." My mind began to race. Had she really understood what we were talking about? So I said "Really?" She said "Yes, Mommy. I know that Daddy was talking to someone on the phone and he pronounced his words wrong."
All I could do was nod my head and say "Yes, you're right".
And if I'd had a bowl of Jesus, I would have thrown it at your Daddy's head.

If You Give a Girl a Grandpa

If you give a girl a Grandpa, he'll want to take her to the fair.
He'll take her to the fair and she'll ask to see the animals.
He'll take her to see the animals and she will see the bunnies.
She will love the bunnies!
She will ask who the bunnies belong to and Grandpa will tell her they belong to 4H members.
She'll ask what 4H is and Grandpa will tell her all about it.
Then, she'll ask to join 4H. Grandpa will tell her that's a great idea.
She'll think she needs a project so she'll tell Grandpa.
Grandpa will buy her a bunny for her project.
She'll love the bunny and call her Grace.
Since she has a bunny and she joined 4H, sooner or later she'll need to go to the fair.
If she's gonna go to the fair, she'll need a Grandpa to go with her.

Lessons

What do you get when you cross Fire Safety Week and a husband that left on a 4 day fishing trip?
Frazzled nerves, sore knees and a vow to be very kind to my husband when he returns.
If you know Emily, you know that sometimes her engine gets stuck and it's really hard to get her back on track. This week was Fire Safety Week at school. Every day this week, she came home with new information on fire safety. Then the weekend arrived, Scott left for an extended fishing trip and I found myself flying solo as a parent for 4 days.
Shortly after arriving home from school Friday, Emily began sharing her fire safety knowledge...and sharing...and sharing. This morning she woke in a panic b/c our family had not devised a fire plan. I made a brief attempt at protesting, but to no avail. Before I knew it, the 3 of us were crawling through the house, looking for the nearest exit.
I was becoming very frazzled by this afternoon. I began to doubt my ability to make it through the rest of the weekend. Then we watched a Supernanny marathon. I began to feel smug at how well I raise my kids until I found myself snapping at them for squirming on the couch.
The Fire Safety Lessons continued until about an hour ago, when I tucked Emily into bed and I said a small prayer that we would never need all those lessons.
Meanwhile, I sit and wait for Scott to return so I can treat him with a little more kindness. The lesson I learned this weekend was Never Take a Spouse For Granted.
And always test the door for heat by using the back of your hand.

I'm coming back...

...I promise. I can't even begin to tell all the craziness in my life in the past 3 months. But I have vowed to slow down...I actually told someone the other day that things will slow down in about 2 years...then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.
I started a new job but haven't yet given up my other two. I actually thought I could work 3 jobs and stay sane. Not sure what I was thinking.
I do have lots of stories to tell but for now, those stories will have to wait. I am facing the enormity of hosting a 7yr old fashion show birthday party for 25 girls and then coming home to host dinner for 16 family members.
Coming soon...Tales from the Sale...yard sale, that is. If you've ever had a yard sale, you know there are always stories to tell about the people that show up. Last week, I was in charge of a 20 family yard sale...I told you I've been busy...

Still Cancer Free...

I have been so busy lately, I have not had time to post anything.
I had my CT scans last week and they were CLEAR. No sign of cancer. For hours, I found myself saying "Thank you Jesus" over and over. Hours after I found out the good news, Scott and I went to Little Rock for a Colon Cancer Awareness event. I met many people I have become friends with on the Colon Club. It was such a great weekend and I am so glad I went.
I will eventually post pictures of the weekend. I have added yet another job to my collection and I'm having difficulty finding time for anything right now.
Love,
Michele

Would you like a loan to go with that sandwich...

This week I saw a Genetic Specialist. I went alone and it turned out to be an interesting trip. I was worried about going b/c I had lost all the papers and didn't have a family tree to turn in. I kept imagining the dr becoming angry and telling me to come back when my homework was done. Why didn't I have the paperwork? Because I made the appt last summer and they mailed the papers and I was supposed to go in January but 2 days before the appt, they called and said the Specialist had a baby early and could I come back in July. So of course, you can't expect me to find any paperwork in this house that came a year ago. So I show up and instead of a dr, it's a Genetic Counselor who comes in. I immediately go into the whole "I'm so sorry I don't have my family tree completed, I have no papers, I was supposed to come in January but someone had a baby...", to which she replied "that was me, except I didn't have a baby, I had 2 babies". And then she tells me she already has my family tree. I'm sure the look on my face was priceless. How in the world did she get my family tree. She then tells me she took a whole history over the phone and I didn't remember even talking to her, then I remembered, oh, yeah, this is the lady that asked if my husband and I are related in any way. So she spends over an hour with me, going over everything I needed to know and answering all my questions. Then the dr comes in and spends about 2 minutes, asking if I had q's and did I understand what the counselor had just told me and then she left. That really irritated me b/c I spent an hour talking with the Genetic Counselor, who probably doesn't make beans for a living, who confessed she is having trouble paying for childcare for her preemie twins, and I'll bet that dr made all the money for that visit.
So anyway, they took blood and told me to come back in 2 months for the results. Since I have Greta, my handy dandy Australian gps friend, I am very comfortable making the drive up to Barnes and back alone. However, I was worn out and hungry when I left the appt (I was, at this time, 5 days into my no-carb diet and I was really craving a sandwich...but that's another post). So Greta tells me to turn left and I begin to argue with her. She says turn, I say no, she says Recalculating, then she says turn, and I continued to argue with her until finally I gave in when I realized I was in a questionable neighborhood.
I'm so hungry at this point, I decide I have to have a sandwich. I know from my days of eating carbs that there is a Jimmy Johns in the corner of a strip mall at the Festus exit. So I take the exit, park on the side of the building, walk in and discover I'm at a bank, not a Jimmy Johns. That's right, I pretty much tried to order a sandwich at a bank. I had thought when I pulled up that it was odd to see a sign in a Jimmy Johns window that said "ask us about small business loans". But in my carb-deprived mind, I really thought I was in the right spot. So I had to get back in the car and drive over to the next strip mall to get my carb fix.
And I didn't share any of it with Greta.