On this date...June 27th

Happy Birthday Scott! Last year, our excuse for going to Vegas was his 40th birthday. We thought that would be a great way to celebrate. Danny and Becky, our best friends, went with us. We drove to the airport on his birthday, June 27th. Before we got there, we stopped to eat lunch. I was feeling a little bloated but I ate anyway. I had been so busy packing for the trip that I hadn't given much thought to my "clogged pipes". After we got to Vegas, we ate at a buffet. By that night I felt even more bloated and somewhat annoyed that things weren't moving along. But I certainly wasn't worried. I had never had a problem like this before so I didn't give it much thought. Besides, we were in Vegas and there was no time to think about anything but all that fun we were going to have. The next day, still nothing. I was really annoyed but still eating like crazy b/c I couldn't pass up all that food. By Friday I was starting to feel sick from eating all that food. I kept thinking about all that shrimp I had eaten on Monday, along with all that food I had eaten since then. It made me sick to think about it. I was confused too; I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I wondered if the antiobiotic had caused it. I know that's not a typical side effect but I had never taken Levaquin before so that was the only thing I could think of. By Saturday, I was miserable. My clothes were getting tight, I felt sick and I was starting to get worried about what I was going to do. I kept praying to God that I would feel better and I was angry that God wasn't listening. I was thinking It's such a small thing to ask for! Of course, now I know why he didn't answer my prayer but at the time I found myself begging for relief. I can remember images in my head of my colon just exploding; I didn't know if that was possible but I was so full of anxiety I was losing my rationale. Scott later said he knew something was wrong but he thought I was mad at him or just not having fun. I didn't tell him b/c I was so embarrassed to be having this problem. Saturday night we went out for the biggest meal of the trip. Danny had picked out a very fancy restaurant inside the casino. I was trying so hard to hide my misery but I did reach my breaking point. I nearly threw up after a few bites of my $40 entree so I excused myself to go sit at some nearby tables in the casino. I noticed a sundry shop nearby so I snuck in there and bought some medicine, totally humiliated by my lone purchase. I took it before bed. I was surprised the next morning that, even though it worked, it didn't work well. By this time, I would have gladly accepted a scene from Ace Ventura Pet Detective, when Jim Carrey comes out of the bathroom and hollers "Do NOT go in there!!!" We flew home Sunday afternoon, spent the night in St. Louis and drove home Monday morning. I wanted to go home so bad. I was so angry at myself for having such a ridiculous problem on our trip. Even today, when I look at the pictures, all I can think is how miserable I was. Scott doesn't like looking at the Vegas pictures either b/c that was the last "hurrah" before our lives changed forever. We find no pleasure in them. Don't get me wrong- Vegas was fun, I did enjoy it but it just brings back painful memories.
Next episode July 2nd- Back to Dr. Bieser for a recheck

On this date...June 25th

Ok, it won't be June 25th for a few more hours but I have some time tonight so I thought I would go ahead and talk.
Let me start by saying I went many years without a family doctor and had full intentions of finding one but I kept procrastinating. Last June I got gout in my elbow and it was very painful so I said enough is enough, I'm finding a doctor. I chose Dr. Bieser b/c I had heard such wonderful things about him. Of course, I couldn't just run in and get treated. I had to schedule a physical exam/new patient appt. By the time the appt came, my elbow was fine but I went to my appt anyway. My appt was June 25th. I can remember spending an hour with Dr. Bieser, going over family history, talking, etc. I liked him immediately! I said several times that I was very healthy and he would probably not see me very often. My words were "I'm the picture of health". He then told me I had a small amount of blood in my urine. I was surprised but not really worried. This had never shown up before. He said it probably wasn't serious but I needed an antibiotic anyway. He prescribed Levaquin, which is a drug I had never taken before. Scott and I were getting ready to go to Vegas in a few days and so he told me to come back in for a retest when I returned.
That night we went over to Scott's parents for a shrimp boil. Scott's brother Chris and his friend Tinni were in town from New Orleans and they brought bucketloads of seafood and some cajun recipes. Megan and Emily were in Arkansas with my family b/c Scott and I were going to Vegas. So it was an adults only night, full of good food, wine, and lots of laughter. Very relaxing. Tinni is a great cook and she really spiced up the food, especially the corn and shrimp. So we all laughed about how that food was going to feel on it's way out...you know, burns going down and burns coming out. Shrimp usually makes a very quick exit for me and boy, did I eat a lot of it that night. Life was really good that night. We were so excited about Vegas. We had not vacationed alone since the girls were born.
Next episode: June 27th Vegas here we come!!!

One year later...how that summer changed my life

My one year anniversary approaches and I find myself reflecting on last summer's events that led to my cancer diagnosis. Many of the details have been kept filed away in my memory; in fact, even those closest to me may be surprised to hear some of the events. The story has been retold many times, but never all of it- just bits and pieces here and there. I thought you might be interested in seeing how God intervened in my life bit by bit, like a puzzle, and in the end all the pieces fit together to complete the story and ultimately allow me to live cancer free.
There are many details that start with "One year ago today..." so that is how I will tell my story. I will blog each day that marks a "one year ago". June 25th will be the first entry b/c that is the day I have in my head that marked the official beginning.
It is not yet the 25th so I will not tell that story today but I will tell you a little about what was going on as that date approached. I had not been "myself" for quite some time- about 4-5 months. I was very tired and so irritable. I went to bed early every night b/c I was so exhausted. I was too tired to clean my house, pay the bills, keep up with the kids. I attributed much of this to the fact that I had gone off my Lexapro. We had been considering having another baby so I went off all medication. The girls really wanted another sibling but as the months progressed, I kept wondering how I could have another baby if I was already so tired. I can remember being so MAD all the time at everything. This caused a lot of tension in our house. Another strange thing I was feeling- I didn't want to go on vacation. Every year we go on vacation the first week in August. I remember sitting at the computer with Scott, shaking my head about all of it. I just wasn't interested. By the middle of June, he wasn't interested either b/c I was so stressed out, it just didn't seem like it would be fun. This was so out of character for us. We never miss a chance to vacation somewhere. To give you an idea of just how stressed out I was, in mid June I went to pick up the girls from daycare one day and I was so frazzled, I came home and said I was never taking the girls back there again. I was mad b/c they had been outside all day in the 100+ heat. I didn't care where we took them, they were never going back and that was final. I ranted so long, Scott gave me one of his famous "do what you want to do" lines so I called up the daycare and ranted some more. They were shocked. I had never complained about anything there. I had no idea where I was going to take them, I was completely irrational about it but there was no stopping me. If you watch the Weather Channel, you have probably seen the show "When Weather Changed History". I believe I could write an episode based on the heatwave we had on the day I pulled them from daycare. Kasey would be the main character in the show, but more on that later.
Stay tuned: June 25th- A Doctor's appt and a shrimp boil set the wheels in motion.

Zoo Expansion

To the left, you will notice the newest addition to our collection. If you ask us what we collect, we would definitely say Animals in Need. We are inching our way closer to replicating SafeHarbor Animal Shelter. Katie's mommy had a bad habit of playing in the road, and well...you can figure out what happened. So at the tender age of 2 weeks, she needed a family that was willing to bottlefeed her, change her poopy pants, etc. Did I say "family", I should have said A MOTHER WHO IS WILLING TO DO ALL THE DIRTY WORK WHILE THE KIDS GET TO PLAY WITH HER FOR 5 MINUTES BEFORE GETTING BORED. Anyway, Katie is WILD. This is the only pic I have of her b/c she never stops moving, kinda like Emily. They are a good pair.

Scroll down to the bottom of the blog and you will see a parent's proud moment. Emily takes horse therapy at Mississippi Valley Therapeutic Horsemanship. Saturday, they had their first official horse show. Didn't Scott do a wonderful job picking out her outfit? I was so proud of him for bringing it home. He said "hey, I still have it in me" (have what, I don't know but I'm proud anyway). Emily strutted herself around, kicked up the dust with her boot heels and was genuinely hot stuff. She got so many compliments on those green boots. And she got a trophy, which has been a lifelong dream of hers (I know she's only 5 but hey, a girl can dream).

I will now give an update on my woes. I have (almost) found a new oncologist, I am in the market for a new housecleaner, my lip is healed, my hair is highlighted and my clothes fit again.

Finally, I have to say that even though it's Father's Day, I managed to get a gift today! Scott took the girls for the day and I have had a day of solitude! So, I cozied up with a cocktail and some chocolate and I have had a wonderful day! Scott even took the dog. I tried to sneak Katie the kitty in the truck but no luck there...

Have a great week and email me privately if you have a housecleaner that knows how to maintain a clean record!

Love,
Michele;

I Know This Much Is True

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the situations I find myself in. Today I had a post-op visit with Dr. Pringle, my gyno who did the surgery. I took a book with me that I just started reading "I Know This Much Is True"; it has 900 pages and I was hopeful I wouldn't finish it before they called me back. So I read for half an hour, they called me back and said Pringle is in a delivery, he won't be back for at least an hour, would you like to reschedule. I told them to call me on my cell when he returns b/c I was not rescheduling this appt. I thought it was a great opportunity for a nap so I made the 5 minute drive home, laid down and before the pillow lines had even formed on my face, they called and said he was back. I was home exactly 7 minutes. So I went back and of course had to wait 45 more minutes before I saw him. It is torture for me to sit in an exam room on the table and wait for a dr. There is nothing to do but let your mind wander, which for me can be dangerous. Someone was having fun at the satellite radio station they were pumping into the room, I heard I Love Rock n Roll, Roll With It Baby and Roll On. The only roll I wanted was a nice, hot buttery one. Then I moved on to the educational brochures lined up on the wall. What kind of genius matched the pictures to the topics? Would you really smile mysteriously if you needed a tubal, or would you really gaze reflectively out the window while holding your belly when trying to decide whether to have prenatal genetic testing? Seriously, if you needed a D&C, would you take a walk on the beach??? And does pelvic pain only strike when you step out of the shower with a turban on your head??? So finally he comes in for what I call the "I'm Fine! You're Fine!" conversation- you know, I say I'm doing fine, he says You're doing fine, visit over.
I know this much is true, I need a nap after all that.

Woe is Me

Yesterday's post gave the impression
of a deep dark depression;
Sorry about that,
I needed a venting session.

It's been a bad week
My lip is swollen and bloody
Got in a fight
With my toddler buddy

Scott confesses to me
My hair has turned gray
He says are you going to color it
RIGHT NOW? TODAY?!

Emily said I feel sick
I said Find something to do!
I had no idea
Her temp was a hundred and two

I open the newspaper
And scream What the Heck???
My housecleaner is WANTED
For writing bad checks

Lilly is gone
I already talked about that
Oh I forgot to mention
I'm also getting fat

My hands are numb
I'm still losing my shoes
I think I must have
The After Cancer Blues

Love to All,
Michele;

Goodbye Lillyhammer

My beloved Dr. Lilly is gone. Don't know where, don't know why, don't know anything except it's a big secret, very hush-hush at the hospital. I am devastated. I am angry. I want him back. I just want to know if he's ok. The hospital is calling it an unexpected medical leave of absence. But yet he's not coming back so it's not really a leave of absence. See what I mean by "big secret"? It's hard to explain the relationship you form with an oncologist. I feel like the decisions he made have saved my life. He was there to hold my hand through all my tears (and there were many). He was my lifeline and my hope for the future. I told the nurse yesterday that I had pinned all my hopes of survival on him so it's hard to accept that he's gone. Especially when I didn't even get to say goodbye. So now I am left without an oncologist. When I saw the nurse yesterday, she kept saying she was worried that I would not follow up on treatment. I told her I had a husband who would not let that happen. But now I am thinking how easy it would be to forget the whole thing ever happened, never go back for tests and just go on with life. If Lilly can disappear, why can't I.