Goodbye Lillyhammer

My beloved Dr. Lilly is gone. Don't know where, don't know why, don't know anything except it's a big secret, very hush-hush at the hospital. I am devastated. I am angry. I want him back. I just want to know if he's ok. The hospital is calling it an unexpected medical leave of absence. But yet he's not coming back so it's not really a leave of absence. See what I mean by "big secret"? It's hard to explain the relationship you form with an oncologist. I feel like the decisions he made have saved my life. He was there to hold my hand through all my tears (and there were many). He was my lifeline and my hope for the future. I told the nurse yesterday that I had pinned all my hopes of survival on him so it's hard to accept that he's gone. Especially when I didn't even get to say goodbye. So now I am left without an oncologist. When I saw the nurse yesterday, she kept saying she was worried that I would not follow up on treatment. I told her I had a husband who would not let that happen. But now I am thinking how easy it would be to forget the whole thing ever happened, never go back for tests and just go on with life. If Lilly can disappear, why can't I.