On this date...August 7th.

Today seemed like an ordinary day. I knew it was August 7th but no bells went off. I received a letter in the mail reminding me to schedule my yearly colonoscopy. But still, I did not remember what day it was. One year ago today, I had my colonoscopy and my life changed forever.
It was a very long day. My appointment was not until 2:00. I had not eaten anything since Sunday night. Monday was clear liquids only and I carefully followed the instructions for the prep that night. So by Tuesday, I felt really weak b/c it had been so long since I had eaten. I laid on the couch all day. Time crawled by. Scott came home and we went early in the hopes they would get me sooner. No such luck. I sat and sat. At 4:00, a nurse came out to the waiting room and told me it would still be awhile. I lost it. I became very angry, raising my voice, telling her I had not eaten in nearly 48 hours. Still, we waited. Finally they came and got me.
The next thing I knew, I was waking up and Scott was standing at my bedside, and the nurse was standing in the doorway saying "It really looks like cancer." I looked at Scott and said "Oh my gosh". I was still very foggy and so I don't remember very much. Somehow I got dressed and the nurse handed me 3 bottles of barium and said I would need it for the CT scan. It was really late by this time, maybe around 6:00. The original plan was to stop somewhere and get a sandwich but we went straight home.
My mind cleared just enough to call my parents. That was the hardest phone call I have ever made in my life. They knew NOTHING. I had not told them anything about the problems I had been having or that I had the test scheduled. So you can imagine their shock. I told them nothing had been confirmed but the nurse had said it looked like cancer. I didn't talk long b/c what else could I say? They needed time to absorb what I had said anyway. I asked them to call all of my sisters.
I can remember sitting on the couch, Scott in his chair. We were so stunned. One thing that had confused us was that the nurse was the one who actually said "cancer" and we thought she was out of line for telling us that. We wondered if she had overstepped her bounds and maybe it really wasn't cancer. We went back and forth all night. One minute we were thinking, there is no way I could have colon cancer, it's a mistake, they are overly cautious. The next minute we were thinking, they wouldn't have said that if they weren't sure.
So we had to wait until the next day. They had said they would call me. I could not concentrate on anything. Every time my phone rang, I jumped. I carried my phone everywhere, even the bathroom. I refused to drive anywhere that did not have a good phone signal. Finally by 1:00, I couldn't stand it anymore and I called the office. They put me on hold a really long time (about 10 minutes) and came back and said the results weren't back. Later, I came to believe the results probably were back but the doctor could not get to the phone to talk to me at that time or for some reason, they weren't ready to tell me.
I drove to Jackson to pick up the girls. Brooke was watching them that day. I remember telling Twylia I might have cancer and then feeling silly b/c what if it wasn't, then I had just overreacted. By this time it was 3:00 and I was insane with worry and anxiety.
Anytime there is a tragedy, you always remember the exact spot where you were when it happened. I remember where I was when the Challenger exploded, I remember where I was on Sept 11th. On this day, I was driving home on Interstate 55 with the girls in the back of the car. I was passing through all the construction right where they were building the new Main St. exit. The phone rang and as I passed mile marker 101, Dr. Schneider said "it's cancer". We talked but I don't remember anything past that. I know he finished the conversation as I pulled in the driveway and walked in the house. I know I stood in the playroom, stunned beyond belief. The girls went in the house and started arguing. They were yelling at each other and all I could think was "They are screaming and I have cancer. How can they be screaming at a time like this". I called Scott and oh, it was so hard to tell him. It felt as if I were telling him Life as we knew it is gone.
I went to my bedroom and sat on the bed with the phone in my hand. Who do I call first? The phone rang. It was my good friend Cathlin. She was so excited b/c we had all gotten a HUGE raise that day. She was going on and on about it and then she paused and said Hey are you ok? I said "No. I just found out I have colon cancer". It was the first of many many times I would repeat those words.
I do not remember calling my parents but I know I did. I do remember going to work at 6:00 to see a kid at Jackson. I can't believe I actually went but I do remember thinking that I needed to go b/c I was going to be off work for a long time. Just before I left their house, I said "by the way...".
The next thing we had to do was tell Megan. Although I do not want to share the details, I can tell you it was an extremely difficult experience. I can say that early on, I decided I would not hide things from Megan. I am very open with her, she reads my blog and she knows when we are hiding things from her. Some would disagree with our parenting style but that is the decision we made.
It was a frenzied night for my family in Arkansas. They all swung into action, making immediate plans to come to Missouri to be with me. I don't remember when they all got here but it was very quick.
The next day I saw the surgeon and Friday I had a CT scan to make sure the cancer had not spread to my other organs. Luckily it had not. Surgery was scheduled for Monday.
I decided quickly that I needed a blog b/c we knew so many people and I was already so weary from repeating the story. One thing I decided early on was that this was not going to be a sad blog. I wanted everyone to enjoy reading it and I knew we could not fall into a trap of documenting all the sad things that happened. Let's face it, cancer may not be fun, but lots of funny things sure do happen when you are faced with it.
I hope you all have enjoyed reliving this experience with me. It has been good for me to be able to write about what happened. I know Megan and Emily will want to know the details of my experience when they grow up. What an incredible year it has been. I am forever changed.
Love,
Michele