Tantrums, tattoos, and ice cream

What a day I've had. I woke up this morning very cranky and irritable and it has continued all day, Scott has been surprised at how agitated I've been. He even suggested I take a pill (I declined). He said he is worried I am "wigging out".
Ok, had to pause there and have a little tantrum b/c the girls are acting all crazy. I might have to start rating my tantrums, this one was a 7! Maybe I should rethink taking the meds...
I wanted to post some info about some fellow cancer fighters. Shawndra Turner is having major surgery next Thursday to try and get rid of some of her cancer, it is a big surgery. Her friends and family are having a prayer vigil Monday night at 6:30. Although we can't be there (she lives in KC), I plan to pray at that time.
Kevin (vman) got good news today, his tumors are shrinking. Yay! Even though we've never met, he is a dear friend. We plan to stop and see him on our way to Duck. I can't wait to meet him and his wife!
I have decided on the tattoo. I am getting the blue colon star/ribbon on my foot. I had a hard time deciding on location. At first I thought Why would I get a colon tattoo on my foot but then I remembered how I said I wish the cancer had been in my toe (remember that blog?), so I guess the foot has a little meaning after all. Kasey is going to go and hold my hand and then I'll hold her hand b/c she is getting a tattoo also! I need to ask Dr. Lilly if it's ok, but I am so embarrassed to ask such a silly question. Maybe I'll tell him I'm getting a lilly tattoo in honor of him...of course, then I would need to add the hammer...
One more thing, I ate ice cream this week for the first time in 8 months! (Kevin, if you spill the beans about what else I had this week, you're in trouble!) It didn't hurt my throat, just stung my tongue a little.
Ok, have a great weekend. I have no plans, which are the best kind of plans to have sometimes!
Love,
Michele;

Lilly-hammer

I saw Dr. Lilly today. Scott calls him Lilly-hammer, in reference to the Lillehammer Olympics in 1992. I had a Lillehammer t-shirt and Scott would spontaneously shout Lillehammer!!! Anyway, first I had to see the nurse practitioner. She is not friendly and I just don't like her personality. She doesn't like me either, so the feeling is mutual. I asked about the blood pressure med, how can I get off it, then I mentioned I didn't take one last week and I felt like my blood pressure was too high, I didn't feel right. She said NO, a person cannot tell when their blood pressure is high, she said that's why it's called the silent killer. Whatever. Then she tells us we can't see Dr. Lilly b/c he's busy. Excuse me??? Your office called me yesterday and asked to reschedule for today so he could see me and now he's too busy? We insisted on seeing him (see why she doesn't like me?). I wish Dr. Lilly would give her the hammer and send her packing. So he came in and answered our q's. He doesn't think my cancer will come back. He thinks my hands and feet will get better too but from what I have read on the Colon Club, I'm not so sure. He wants me to have a colonoscopy in August, along with a CT scan of my liver. Then PET scans. It's all a waiting game.
I have to say that Scott and I had the best anniversary ever, we both agreed. Even though we didn't go out or even exchange gifts, it was still special to us. Scott sent me the sweetest e-card, he even got a little mushy with it. I posted a blog on Myspace about us, he really liked that.
Today, Kasey and Emily made a poster to count down the days till we go to Duck (that's the town we're staying in when we go to the Outer Banks). We are so excited, that's the main topic of conversation in our house.
Otherwise, I feel great as far as attitude, even though I still don't feel great physically. I am too impatient, I know.
I am still trying to find time to redo my blog. So much to do! Priorities...
Michele;

13 YEARS

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY WONDERFUL HUSBAND! THANKS FOR PUTTING UP WITH ALL MY QUIRKS! I LOVE YOU!

Thinking "inside" the box...

I am feeling better. Believe it or not, I made it thru 11 rounds of chemo and never got sick and then I caught a cold after #11, I ended up getting an antibiotic for a sinus infection. My blood clot problem decided to move to my nose and I have been passing all kinds of clots out my nose. The nose bleeds are terrible this time.
I am going to construct a "cancer box". I plan to put all my cancer things in it and seal it up, hopefully I will look at it in 30 years and think Oh, yeah, that was a rough year. I am mentally making a list of what will go in it. I know I will put in my medic alert bracelet, all the hundreds of cards I've received, the hundreds of EOB's I've gotten (so I can remember just how much this is costing my insurance...lol), my brown gloves that I wear religiously, all my cancer books, hats, etc. I very briefly thought about putting my snowman blankie in there but I can't part with it! You might have some clever ideas to suggest. Like a pic of a pork chop or something silly. I have taken very few pics of myself thru this journey, I don't plan to scrapbook any of it (if you know me, you know that's a rare statement, I scrapbook everything).
Please say a prayer for Shawndra Turner, many of you read her blog. She is struggling right now with a lot of emotions and I feel so bad for her. I am starting to feel a little guilt about the fact that I am done with chemo and so many of my cancer friends are still struggling. I can remember when I was there, wanting to be the one that was done. Also, little baby Matthew is having some serious problems right now and needs some strong prayers.
I have been so busy this week and I'm loving it! I am so happy to be working a regular schedule again. I love my job so much, not many people can say that. I am blessed.
Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend.
Love,
Michele;

Here's a quarter...

I must be feeling better, I just mustered up enough strength to have a little tantrum about the condition of our house. It's a mess. Everyone just went to bed and here I am, left to clean up after everyone...arrrgh.
A lot of people have asked whether I am going to continue my blog. Yes, I am but I plan to do some remodeling, maybe change it a little, call it life after cancer or something.
I am really excited to get back to working a regular schedule! I called a bunch of my therapy families tonight, to let them know I'm done and I appreciate their patience with me over the past 8 months. They have all been so good about working around my schedule, with the exception of one family who did fire me...but that's another story. Other than my little tantrum, I have been happy tonight, just thinking about how much better things are going to be.
I can't believe I'm going to work tomorrow with this monster on my face. I've never seen a fever blister look like this. Did you ever see the movie Uncle Buck; remember when he visited the principal and he kept making references to the mole on her face, "hey, Buck Melonoma here", and Scott's favorite "here's a quarter- go downtown and have a rat chew that thing off your face". Megan has been providing hourly updates regarding the status of my fever blister, thanks Megs.
Emily and I had fun today. I have a new "lazy mom" activity. We sat on the couch and hitched up Butterscotch the horse and we pretended we were riding in a covered wagon, it was loads of fun with very little energy required, we played it off and on all day. I am getting good at this. My "Lazy Mom's guide" is growing. Feel free to offer any suggestions you might have.
I am loving the surveys on the blog. Right now the tattoo suggestion is tied 4-4. My parents are probably ready to provide an intervention over my desire for a tattoo. I just want something small that is hidden. I just have to figure out what I want. Heather E., I might need your help on the design.
Ok, that's all for now!
Love,
Michele

This one's for the record books...

Well, I just spent 4 hours in the chemo room getting ivs b/c I once again got dehydrated. I slept almost the entire time. I am so worn out! I have lost 8lb in 5 days, that's a record for me, I knew I should have stuck some rocks in my pocket before they weighed me, they were very concerned that I am not eating. I hate food lately. I told Dr. Lilly that I feel like food is what got me in this mess. He said no but still...I hate eating. I hope by next week I feel better about eating. But hey, I now officially weigh what my drivers license says! Never thought that would happen...lol.
I have the world's largest fever blister(s). I am contemplating calling Guinness Book, so they can come look at it. I might get famous for this one. You know it's bad when the nurse says OH my gosh! I am a freak of nature right now. I can't show my face to anyone! I knew chemo could cause them but I had successfully avoided them until now. You know what drives me crazy, when people see you and they say Oh, you have a fever blister. REALLY????? I didn't even notice my swollen, crusty, bloody lip, but thanks for telling me!!!
Nothing else to rant about, can you tell I'm feeling better, my sarcasm is coming back...
Thanks for listening!!!
Love,
Michele;

BIG NEWS

Well, I have a lot to say so if you are in a hurry to read this, come back later. I haven't posted b/c of the ice storm, we got our power back last night and internet just came back on. Monday started out ok, Kasey and I went to chemo and we got to sit and chat for 3 hours before I finally got hooked up. That was a lot of fun. Kasey, you are so much fun to be around and I appreciate you so much! It's not often I get to talk uninterrupted (aka without the girls hanging on my leg, begging for something) so that was great. Then the ice hit and we sent Kasey home and Marilyn came up. By the time I was done, we were in the midst of a major ice storm. So a 10 min drive took 30 min, with me crying the whole way b/c I needed to throw up so bad, which didn't happen till we pulled in the driveway. I have never been so sick in my life. I got in bed and hit a 10 on the tear scale, I was begging Scott to unhook me, end my misery, whatever he needed to do to make it stop. It was so awful, words cannot even describe it. He just kept whispering "breathe honey, just breathe". A few hours later, we lost the electricity, which meant no water either. My inlaws stayed for 3 days (I can never thank Marilyn enough for all her help). I also want to brag on Megan, who helped me out in a delicate situation and never blinked or lost her cool. She is the bravest 9 yr old I know, I am amazed at her maturity. So today I went to get my Neulasta shot and I asked if I could talk to Dr. Lilly. Here's the big news: I am not going to have my last chemo treatment. I told him I know my body well enough to know that it's had enough and I can't do it again. I just know I have reached my limit, without a doubt. He said that was fine, no harm will be done, 11 is ok. He seemed totally fine with it. The chemo nurse acted kinda horsey about it, I was a little sad that she couldn't say anything positive to me, I just got the whole "it's your decision" lecture. That hurt me a little. Then she reminded me I won't get my chemo graduation party, like I care about that. And she recommended keeping the port in a long time, just in case the cancer comes back. Well, that's not what Dr. Lilly said. He was fine with taking it out, which means he doesn't think it's coming back, right?
So now we begin the process of living the "new normal" again. Scott and I were talking about how we don't even know where to start. I guess we take it one day at a time. I am such a jumble of emotions right now, mainly b/c it didn't end like we had thought it would, the girls were so shocked when I came home and said it's over. There was no build-up to the end, it just ended. I don't know if that makes sense or not. My biggest disappointment is that I wanted a piece of paper that said I am NED, but since we aren't going to do a scan, we are just assuming I am NED. I wanted it in writing.
I feel like I'm at the Oscars and I need to thank everyone for their support, but I'm not ready to do that yet. I am all mixed up right now and still not feeling well at all. The side effects are so much worse this round. I am sorry this post is so sad, or maybe it's just me that's sad. I just can't quit crying. Please pray that I have strength, I really feel like I'm losing it.
I love all of you that read this blog. Thanks so much for listening. I will post again when I feel better.
Love,
Michele;

Round 11

Round #11 Monday. Kasey is taking me. Scott was sick all last week and he needs to go back to work. I feel a lot of anxiety about this round. For the first time, I regret reading something on the Colon Club. I read where many oncologists are now stopping at Round #10 b/c one of the drugs is so hard on the body and if you go past #10, you risk long term side effects that don't go away. Many people do not make it as far as I have. I have been very very lucky that I have not suffered a serious reaction yet. I want to quit! But Scott had a good point- he said if I quit and the cancer comes back, I'll always wonder if it was b/c I quit. True.
I have said several times in the past 2 weeks that I am more impatient now that I'm close to the end. I won't say it again BECAUSE 2 people said "yeah, it's like being pregnant- you get impatient at the end". No folks, it's nothing like being pregnant. I would love to be pregnant and impatient for a baby, instead of waiting for chemo to end. There's no comparison there.
Speaking of pregnancy, my sister Linda is pregnant and this week she found out she is expecting a 3rd boy. I can't wait to have another little one to call me "Aunt Mickey".
I got a great haircut! I'll try to post some pics later this week. I can't believe how much better it looks, I can leave the house without a hat!
Keep in touch,
Love,
Michele;

Lifetime Movie Premiere- "Bruised and Blistered- The Secret Saga of Michele's Life"

2 posts in 2 days, I'm on a roll. I just wanted to say I am not really going to shave my head, I was just kidding around, I think a few people freaked out about it. I am getting it cut tomorrow though. Twylia, I can't believe you don't know what a mullet is! Have Gary explain it. You know, business in the front, party in the back...
I have so many bruises, I look like I've been beat up. I swear I get a new one every time the wind blows. I guess it's a blood count thing. I look like I belong in a Lifetime Movie Network Premiere. I keep expecting Patty Duke to show up and have Scott arrested or something.
I burned my hand in the kitchen again tonight. Since I have such bad neuropathy, I don't feel it until it's really burned enough to blister. I guess the good thing is that I don't feel the pain now either.
Ok, just wanted to chat. Thanks for listening!
Michele;

Megan, the Card Shark

Hello! Just wanted to say I'm ok. After I posted Friday morning, I told my mom I just didn't feel right. I hadn't been eating or drinking enough so I went up and got iv fluids. It was really hard to sit there this time b/c there was a teenager there and she was so sick. She looked so bad and they weren't going to let her go home, they were admitting her. I have been thinking about that girl all week, praying for her and wondering how she is. It made me so sad. At least I have lived half my life already, I am grateful for that.
I am getting my hair cut on Thursday. I don't know what it will end up looking like but anything is an improvement! I would love to know who voted for the mullet...
Since I started wearing "shandannas" (I'll explain that in a minute), I have started to get the "look" from strangers. Since it's obvious I still have some hair, the question on their face appears to be "does she or doesn't she". Today when I went to vote, the lady working the desk kept staring at me, it was so awkward, my neighbor was there working too and she and I talked for awhile and this lady just kept staring at me. I hope my neighbor answered the question for her. Anyway, let me tell you about my shandannas. We know a lady that makes them for her daughter, that's how they got their name. They are custom-made and have a ponytail holder in the back for elastic. They are awesome. I don't have to tie them, they are already tied and sewn together, ready to wear. I have 2 that she gave me as a gift and tonight I ordered 3 more.
One more thing, you won't believe what Megan did. She came home last week and said she played the cancer card at school. Apparently she gave a friend a bendy pencil and then she wanted it back so she told her "my mom has cancer, my sister has sensory problems and I really need that pencil back". I was horrified! Not only did she play the cancer card, she also played the "special needs" card!!! So we had to have a chat about playing cards, in other words- leave the deck of cards at home! By the way, she did get the pencil back and brought it home for Emily to put in her sensory bucket.
Ok, this is getting lengthy...guess I'll go watch the election results with Scott, he is glued to the tv.
Keep in touch, I love all your comments.
Michele;

Pig Cancer

Notice the new pic of Dr. Emily, the vet and her patient, Red the Razorback. Red was recently diagnosed with pig cancer. He had a few loose stitches in his neck so I placed a port (aka a peppermint) in him. Since I always come home with a bandaid on my port, Emily placed one on Red too. In the past few days Emily has treated numerous animals for a variety of illnesses but this was her most serious case. I have been acting as her assistant. To my sister, Carol- this all started when you sent the video link of the 10 year old vet. Emily now thinks she can be a vet by age 10 also. Her favorite task is putting "oinkment" on the animals. By the way, Jeffrey the giraffe has a broken neck but we placed a splint and he is doing well...

Grandma Dorothy

I love snow days! What more could I ask for than to spend it with my mom and the girls? My mom has helped me out so much this week, we would not have survived without her. It has been crazy. Yesterday, Grandma Dorothy passed away. We knew it was coming, she has been in the Lutheran Home for 4 years with Alzheimers. She is in such a better place now, we are kinda rejoicing for her that she no longer has to spend her days in a nursing home. Even though technically, she is Scott's grandma, she was just as much MY grandma. I loved her more than I could even say. I never had the chance to have a grandma around when I was growing up, so she was my chance to experience having a grandma. I have so many great memories of her, she was such a fun person to be around and she left me with quite a few stories to chuckle over. She always loved rocking Megan when Megan was a baby and without fail would always put her diapers on backwards. We always knew when Grandma had changed the diaper. I know that when I think of her, I don't think about the last 4 years. I think of how funny she was and just how much FUN she was. The funeral is Monday morning at St. Vincent's then, at her request, she is being taken to California, MO (up by Jeff City) to be buried. Emily and I are going to stay home, but everyone else is going. Right now I am trying to find someone who can watch Emily during the visitation on Sunday, it is the SuperBowl so most people are probably busy, I do not plan on taking Emily to the funeral home, she is just too young for that.
Anyway, I am feeling good, just really tired. Oh and I can't feel my feet. Completely numb. I hope it eventually comes back, I can't imagine doing the Chemo shuffle the rest of my life!
Keep in touch,
Michele;