BIG NEWS

Well, I have a lot to say so if you are in a hurry to read this, come back later. I haven't posted b/c of the ice storm, we got our power back last night and internet just came back on. Monday started out ok, Kasey and I went to chemo and we got to sit and chat for 3 hours before I finally got hooked up. That was a lot of fun. Kasey, you are so much fun to be around and I appreciate you so much! It's not often I get to talk uninterrupted (aka without the girls hanging on my leg, begging for something) so that was great. Then the ice hit and we sent Kasey home and Marilyn came up. By the time I was done, we were in the midst of a major ice storm. So a 10 min drive took 30 min, with me crying the whole way b/c I needed to throw up so bad, which didn't happen till we pulled in the driveway. I have never been so sick in my life. I got in bed and hit a 10 on the tear scale, I was begging Scott to unhook me, end my misery, whatever he needed to do to make it stop. It was so awful, words cannot even describe it. He just kept whispering "breathe honey, just breathe". A few hours later, we lost the electricity, which meant no water either. My inlaws stayed for 3 days (I can never thank Marilyn enough for all her help). I also want to brag on Megan, who helped me out in a delicate situation and never blinked or lost her cool. She is the bravest 9 yr old I know, I am amazed at her maturity. So today I went to get my Neulasta shot and I asked if I could talk to Dr. Lilly. Here's the big news: I am not going to have my last chemo treatment. I told him I know my body well enough to know that it's had enough and I can't do it again. I just know I have reached my limit, without a doubt. He said that was fine, no harm will be done, 11 is ok. He seemed totally fine with it. The chemo nurse acted kinda horsey about it, I was a little sad that she couldn't say anything positive to me, I just got the whole "it's your decision" lecture. That hurt me a little. Then she reminded me I won't get my chemo graduation party, like I care about that. And she recommended keeping the port in a long time, just in case the cancer comes back. Well, that's not what Dr. Lilly said. He was fine with taking it out, which means he doesn't think it's coming back, right?
So now we begin the process of living the "new normal" again. Scott and I were talking about how we don't even know where to start. I guess we take it one day at a time. I am such a jumble of emotions right now, mainly b/c it didn't end like we had thought it would, the girls were so shocked when I came home and said it's over. There was no build-up to the end, it just ended. I don't know if that makes sense or not. My biggest disappointment is that I wanted a piece of paper that said I am NED, but since we aren't going to do a scan, we are just assuming I am NED. I wanted it in writing.
I feel like I'm at the Oscars and I need to thank everyone for their support, but I'm not ready to do that yet. I am all mixed up right now and still not feeling well at all. The side effects are so much worse this round. I am sorry this post is so sad, or maybe it's just me that's sad. I just can't quit crying. Please pray that I have strength, I really feel like I'm losing it.
I love all of you that read this blog. Thanks so much for listening. I will post again when I feel better.
Love,
Michele;